Unconditional love. I hear this statement thrown around sometimes as dogs love their humans or how parents feel about their children, or God like love. AGAPE. A love which is most often crowned as the highest form of Christian love, is the kind of love and action that shows empathy; extends the desire for good of the beloved; wants the best; extends help or demonstrates good intentions; and is intended for everyone. Agape love is sacrificial. Unlike other forms of affection, agape is not contingent upon the attractiveness or worthiness of its recipient. It is given freely, without expecting anything in return, making it unconditional. Even if unreciprocated, agape love persists, steadfast in its commitment to giving and serving others selflessly.
But, in our humanness, conditional love seems more powerful to me.
Sometimes it is used as a judgement against people.
Or used to make someone feel less than?
Or their love is better than your love because there is professed unconditional-ness?
Love, in all its forms, is a force that shapes our lives, our relationships, and our interactions with the world. While we often hear about the beauty of unconditional love, and to be honest, I am not sure I believe in it except in relation to Divinity. However, I do believe in the incredible power of conditional love.
My love for my dog deepens because he doesn’t bite the neighbor, poop in the house and jumps up and down with pure joy when I come home whether I have been gone 2 minutes or 2 hours. He loves me because I pet and snuggle with him, feed him, and take him on walks around the neighborhood to make sure it still smells the same. Aren’t these conditions?
I love my husband because he is an easy going, man of integrity who priorities our relationship and works hard for our family. The conditions set in this love are not restrictions but rather the foundations that strengthen our relationship. If he were to start being physically violent, cheating and quit his job to sit on the couch all day… would I love him the same? Maybe, but my respect and trust would be lost and in turn wouldn’t this loss create a less powerful, fulfilling love.
Does this mean I am shallow because I don’t love him unconditionally? Is my love a less than love?
Conditional love, unlike its unconditional counterpart, acknowledges the role of choices, behaviors, and personal growth within our relationships. It challenges us to be better partners, friends, and individuals. I feel like knowing the love given is contingent on our actions motivates us to work on ourselves and continually strive to be the best version of who we can be, ultimately coming to a place of unity with our loved one.
I have a friend who professed to love his children unconditionally and he “would take a bullet” for any of them. I argued that was an easy love. A one-time decision. Not a series of boundary testing, annoying behavior, poor choice consequence experiences from almost any relationship I have ever experienced. And now years later, he is disconnected from most of them because they didn’t live up to his expectations of what they should do with their lives. I wonder if this is a result of shallow roots or limitations or conditions?
The power of conditional love is evident in the fact that it sets expectations. It encourages us to treat each other with respect, kindness, and empathy. It asks us to maintain the trust and respect that underpin our relationships. It propels us to put in the effort to support our loved ones when they need us most.
Conditional love is a beacon of hope. It reminds us that, while love may falter in the face of adversity, it can be rekindled, strengthened, and grown.
The strength of conditional love is that it acknowledges human imperfections and embraces
growth. It is a love that is earned through time, effort, and dedication. It's a love that endures challenges and adversity, knowing that if we hold true to the conditions of love, it can weather any storm.
So, for now I will stick to messy, conditional love, and work on elevating my vision to a more Christlike view of those rotating in my sphere… and respectfully leave unconditional love to deity.
Beautifully articulate and dead on target! Thank you for the excellent insight!